Call them bum wines, street wines, fortified wines, wino wines, or twist-cap wines. Whatever you call these beverages for the economical drunkard, this page explores the top five.

So curl up on a heating duct and enjoy!

17.5% alc. by vol

Thunderbird

As pictured to the right, look for the pigeon feces and you'll find this old bird. As soon as you taste this swill, it will be obvious that its makers cut every corner possible in its production to make it cheap. Self-proclaimed as "The American Classic," Thuderbird is Vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA. Like Night Train, the label distances the winery from this concoction by saying that it is made by "Thunderbird, Ltd." If your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a quickness, then "T-bird" is the drink for you. Or, if you like to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird. As you drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower. The undisputed leader of the five in foulness of flavor, we highly discourage drinking this ghastly mixture of unknown chemicals unless you really are a bum. A convenience store clerk in Show Low, AZ once told me that only the oldest of stumbling indian drunks from the reservation buy Thunderbird. Available in 750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug.

The history of Thunderbird is as interesting as the drunken effects the one experiences from the wine. When Prohibition ended, Ernest Gallo and his brothers Julio and Joe wanted to corner the young wine market. Earnest wanted the company to become "the Campbell Soup company of the wine industry" so he started selling Thunderbird in the ghettos around the country. Their radio adds featured a song that sang, "What's the word? Thunderbird. How's it sold? Good and cold. What's the jive? Bird's alive. What's the price? Thirty twice." It is said that Ernest once drove through a tough, inner city neighborhood and pulled over when he saw a bum. When Gallo rolled down his window and called out, "What's the word?" the immediate answer from the bum was, "Thunderbird."

WARNING: This light yellow liquid turns your lips and mouth black! A mysterious chemical reaction similar to disappearing-reappearing ink makes you look like you've been chewing on hearty clumps of charcoal.

18% alc. by vol

Cisco

Cisco is bottled by the nation's second largest wine company, Canandaigua Wine Co., in Canandaigua, NY and Naples, NY. This is the same company as Wild Irish Rose.

Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of Cisco-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a Cisco binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.

In 1991, Cisco's tendency to cause a temporary form of inebriated insanity led the Federal Trade Commission to require its bottlers to print a warning on the label (above right). The FTC also forced them to drop their marketing slogan, "Takes You by Surprise," even though it was entirely accurate. Read the FTC's full investigation on their own web page at this link. Since those days, Cisco is harder to find outside the slums, although the FTC's demonizing of the drink only bolstered its reputation for getting people trashed. Anyone who overlooks the warning and confuses this with a casual wine cooler is going to get more than they bargained for. Cisco will make a new man out of you. And he wants some too.

Our research shows that Cisco is actually the second best tasting of the five great bum wines, especially if you're having one of those hankerings for cheap Vodka, Jello and Robitussin. We must also note that Cisco is the best of all 5 bum wines at putting the darkest and puffiest bags under your eyes. The nuclear-tinted color of "Cisco RED" is reminiscent of diesel fuel. Most Cisco flavors are named by the fruit flavor that they are trying to emulate, but the one picture is simply called "RED." This chemical disaster will get your head spinning in no time. A test subject reports, "Strawberry Cisco has a bouquet similar to that of Frankenberry cereal fermented in wine cooler with added sprinkle of brandy for presentation." The sticky, sickingly sweet taste with a hint of antifreeze really comes through in the repellant taste of Cisco. Avaliable in various flavors, 375 mL and 750mL sizes. Down a whole 750 mL and you had better be ready to clear your calendar as you suffer through Cisco's legendary 2 day hangover.

18% or 13% alc. by vol

MD 20/20

As majestic as the cascading waters of a drain pipe, MD 20/20 is bottled by the 20/20 wine company in Westfield, New York. This is a good place to start for the street wine rookie, but beware; this dog has a bite to back up its bark. MD Stands for Mogen David, and is affectionately called "Mad Dog 20/20". You'll find this beverage as often in a bum's nest as in the rock quarry where the high school kids sneak off to drink. This beverage is likely the most consumed by non-bums, but that doesn't stop any bums from drinking it! Our research indicates that MD 20/20 is the best of the bum wines at making you feel warm inside. Some test subjects report a slight numbing agent in MD 20/20, similar to the banana paste that the dentist puts in your mouth before injecting it with novocain. Anyone that can afford a dentist should steer clear of this disaster. Avaliable in various nauseating tropical flavors that coat your whole system like bathtub scum, but only the full "Red Grape Wine" flavor packs the 18% whallop.

Liquor stores are starting to be infiltrated by a 13% variety of MD 20/20 Red Grape. There is also a new "Blue Raspberry" flavor with "BLING BLING". Even the lowest functioning of bums will know not to get swindled out of that missing 5%.

17.5% alc. by vol

Night Train Express

Don't let the 0.5% less alcohol by volume compared to Cisco fool you, the Night Train is all business when it pulls into the station. All aboard to nowhere - woo wooo! The night train runs only one route: sober to stupid with no roundtrip tickets available, and a strong likelihood of a train wreck along the way.

This trainyard favorite is vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA. Don't bother looking on their web page, because they dare not mention it there. As a clever disguise, the label says that it is made by "Night Train Limited." Some suspect that Night Train is really just Thunderbird with some Kool-Aid-like substance added to try to mask the Clorox flavor. Some of our researchers indicated that it gave them a NyQuil-like drowsiness, and perhaps this is why they put "night" in the name. The picture (above right) shows that the subject that drank Night Train is down for the count, while the Cisco guzzling subject is ready to rock. Guaranteed to tickle your innards.

18% alc. by vol

Wild Irish Rose

The thorn in your hangover is a wild rose from Ireland. Bottled by Canandaigua Wine in Chanadaigua, NY, the same company as Cisco. Like its brother Cisco, "Wild I" definitely has some secret additives that go straight to the cranium. Another web page claims that this foul beverage is a conspiracy by the republicans to kill the homeless. Bums ask a liquor store clerk for Wild Irish rose by saying, "gimme a pint of rosie with a skirt," a skirt being a paper bag. Some don't want it cold either. It's called "wild" for a good reason, and bystanders should beware. Wild Irish Rose is sure to light a fire of drunken rage in your soul. A guy named "Richards" is mentioned on the label.

A helpful viewer named Carl wrote an email directing our attention this web page that claims that "Richard's Wild Irish Rose (named after his son, Canandaigua's current president Richard Sands)." The "White Label" variety of this beverage is definitely a hard wine to come to terms with. "White Label" smells like rubbing alcohol, and has no added flavoring to mask its pungent taste and noxious odors. Available in 375 mL, 750 mL, and a 50 oz jug.

Field reporter "Greyham" brings us this report: Here is Wild I's devastating new addition, "Wild Fruit with Ginseng". I'll be honest with you: the normal Wild I has turned into some sort of fierce energy drink gone wrong mixed with the original to create a bumworthy migraine-inducing concoction. I purchased a 750 mL which goes for 3.99 and a 375 mL which goes for 2.59 (at least here in FL). Word on the streets here is that the bums are wary of it. I talked to a couple that said they'd prefer to "stick with what's tried and true". Apparently they haven't accepted it yet as the real deal. As for me, I drank the 375mL on a semi-full stomach and was just ruined by the stuff. The flavor retains it's same potent Wild I nastiness but has a whole new bouquet of fruity flavor added as well (potentially aimed at bums of the female persuasion). Upon completion of the 375, I was thoroughly inebriated and found myself honestly wondering where my next fix of the stuff was going to come from. This scared me so I immediately started drinking water....here's the best part. After that relatively small bottle, I didn't piss until the next evening despite drinking copious amounts of water. There is DEFINITELY something in this stuff that dehydrates you...possibly the "ginseng" or whatever it is that they added to this already foul stuff.

7% alc. by vol

Boone's Farm

NOT a bum wine! But we had to talk about it.

Boone's Farm just does not have enough alcohol per volume to be a bum wine. In a bum's mind, heavy-hitting competitors such as T-Bird, Rosie, and Wild-I leave Boones in the dust. If Boone's would make a 17% alcohol per volume version at the same price, perhaps bums would reach for it. This sugary swill is more of an underage drinker's economy wine than a bum wine. You won't find empty Boone's bottles in any rail yard or heating vent, but you will find it in the local bowling alley parking lot or make-out spot. There is just no bumvidence to substantiate the bumsworthiness of Boone's Farm.

17% alc. by vol

Buckfast

Huge demand from our friends in Scotland made it impossible to ignore this drink. However, the difference in the American English dialect has caused a misunderstanding about the purpose of this web site. The word "bum" in the US more commonly means a homeless person, also known as a "tramp," a "hobo," or a "wino." The purpose of this web site is to review wines that are popular with homeless people.

Buckfast is made in Devon, England at Buckfast Abbey by Benedictine monks. True to its name, Buckfast will get you "bucked up" real fast. Buckfast was thick, with a strong taste of molasses. There was also a hint of some type of herb reminiscent of oregano, and a soapy aftertaste. Like some of its high-sugar American counterparts, Buckfast gets you fired up and full of energy. A report from BBC News and one from the New York times shows a connection between Buckfast and violent crime. Of the offenders who had been drinking immediately before their violent offence, more than 40% had been drinking Buckfast! According to the report, each bottle contained 281mg of caffeine - the same amount as eight cans of Coke. Despite its reputation for violent hooligans, with Buckfast's hefty price of about $8 US per bottle, we were skeptical that homeless winos would spend their hard earned coins when there are cheaper alternatives. Our contacts in Scotland tell us that only the most hardened alcoholics drink this beverages, but the homeless winos reach for cheaper alternatives.

Like the great Sherlock Holmes, our UK investigator hit the alleys of London to see if there was any bumvidence to support Buckfast as a popular drink among homeless people. The discarded bumvidence littered in bums' nests pointed to the much more economically viable hard cider in 3 liter plastic jugs as the drink of choice rather than any of the wines. Our reporter brought a 3 liter jug of "White Ace" cider back to the states, which is 7% alcohol per volume and only about $3.50 US for the whole 3 liter jug. When the test subject drank the whole bottle of "White Ace," in Las Vegas, the effects were severe. He got kicked out of 4 Queens casino for washing his hands in a urinal, then fell asleep for 3 hours and woke up soaked in his own urine (see picture to the right). He woke up and got into a 6 year old's pirate costume, ran around slapping gamblers in the gut, got kicked out of The Imperial Palace, and became so obnoxious that his friends put him on a plane and sent him home early.

In summary, there are readily available cheaper alternatives to Buckfast that have similar alcohol content. As far as we can determine, Buckfast is a wine for alcoholics, but out of the price range of the destitute homeless. Nevertheless, we salute it!

?% alc. by vol

Ripple

I get a lot of requests to review "Ripple" wine. We would LOVE to review this drink, but apparently this wine vanished many years ago. We could not even find a picture of it on the internet anywhere, although it is mentioned several places. Bum Wine enthusiast Tesko came across Ripple in an episode of "Sanford and Son" called "The Party Crasher" from Season 3.

Rankings

Drunkenness

Cisco
Thunderbird
Night Train
Wild Irish Rose
MD 20/20

Warmth

MD 20/20
Thunderbird
Wild Irish Rose
Night Train
Cisco

Bad Taste

Thunderbird
Wild Irish Rose
Night Train
Cisco
MD 20/20

"Where can I find bum wine?"

We often get questions from people searching to buy bum wine. Our best advice is to get out of the suburbs and go to the areas where the bums are.

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